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discography

Lyrics & Acknowledgements

funky train

Funky Train Mini-Album, 2011. Boss Records.

Acknowledgements: Written and recorded by Craig Weldon except Funky Train: Simon Aeschbacher on bass; Dark Eye: Andy Bonar on vocals; Just Another Pop Song: Paul McGazz, Martin Baxter, Gregory Beekman on vocals; Girls With Glasses: remixed by Thriftshop XL; Teenage Timebomb: originally by the Electroluvs. Many thanks to you all!

Kit: Røde NT-1, Focusrite Voicemaster, Lexicon MPX-100, Roland JP8000, Boss DR-660, Akai DPS12, PC running Acid Pro 4 and Soundforge 6.

Funky Train

    Get on the funky train

The funky train for me
the funky train for you
get on the funky train
that's what you've got to do

    Get on the funky train

If you've lost your soul
you don't know what to do
get on the funky train
it will carry you
I had lost my soul
I was feeling blue
I got the funky train
you can get it too
the funky train.

    Get on the funky train

They're dancing on the street
they're dancing in the hall
they're dancing on the funky train
it will get you all

    Ladies and gentlemen
    I don't care what colour you are
    I don't care what race you are
    I don't care what religion you are
    I don't care what music you are
    but some day - funky train's gonna get you
    it's gonna get all of you.

Hey Mr Nice Guy

Hey mr nice guy, I think you're a fraud
all you want is to pull a broad
so you pretend you're considerate
when all you're thinking of is doing it
so you listened to her problem,
should she get her kit off?
Hey mr nice guy,
nice guy get lost!

    Girls don't like nice guys
    that much is true
    at least manipulative guys like you
    so admit you're an asshole
    and set yourself free
    come on be honest you're
    no better than me


I met a nice guy bemoaning his fate
he'd stayed up talking until it was late
but she'd gone off with an abusive fella
"'cos nice girls don't like a guy who's yella"
was that a nice girl? Or was he well rid?
Would he have cared had her beauty been hid?
I don't think so
nice guy my ass

    Girls don't like nice guys
    that much is true
    at least manipulative guys like you
    so admit you're an asshole
    and set yourself free
    come on be honest you're
    no better than me


I don't like nice guys, or the girls they pursue
the games that people play, makes me spew
why can't you hold up your hands and admit
you're a card-carring amoral shit?
I met a nice girl, and I said "honey
I wouldn't date you for a big bag of money"

    Girls don't like nice guys
    that much is true
    at least manipulative guys like you
    so admit you're an asshole
    and set yourself free
    come on be honest you're
    just like me
    and rid yourself of those
    self obsessed
    mind's a mess
    shag me dress
    and become an opinionated asshole like me.

Dark Eye

    Dark eye, smooth skin, and the will to use it

Dark eye
let me see
let me touch - just
don't let me be
I don't know
what you're doing
but don't stop
don't stop
even though I'm sure
you've put a spell on me


    Dark eye, smooth skin, and the will to use it

Just Another Pop Song

This is just another pop song
This is another shot at fame
We hope this tune gets right on your brain

This is just another pop band
This is another orange tan
We hope that you can be our fan

    We sing
    of love
    you hear us everywhere.
    Especially on the
    mobiles of
    Mary, Kate, and Claire


This is just another pop song
This is another shot at fame
We hope this tune gets right on your brain

This is just another pop band
This is another grain of sand
And now our minute's up, we're going to disband
Oh baby baby, I'm doing my sincere thing!

Girls With Glasses

Girls With Glasses
they turn me on
they leave me thinking
and then they're gone

Girls with Glasses
they know the score
look behind those eyes there's more
there's so much more

Teenage Timebomb

Complain complain
axes to grind
well I'm amazed that you can
find the time
'cos it's all dead and buried
haven't you grown out
does your teenage angst
have a body count?

    Timebomb
    timebomb
    timebomb
    you're a teenage timebomb!
    Singing bing bang bong
    bing bang bong
    bing bang bong you're a teenage timebomb
    Hell bent on martyrdom




tokyo sexwale

Tokyo Sexwale, 2004. Boss Records.

Acknowledgements: Written, performed and recorded by Craig Weldon, except: My Fiat Uno original tune by The Hector Collectors; Dance! Disco Robot by Craig Weldon and Billy Samson. My Stereo is a Cunt extra vocals by Justin Crozier. Cover photo in the Green Room Bar, Birmingham.

Further thanks: Adam Smith & The Hector Collectors, Billy Samson & The Electroluvs, James Gibson, Cnut, Alex Botten, Gregory Beekman, Justin Crozier, Duncan Black, Niall Stuart. Dance! Disco Robot video shot by Gregor Fergie. Dancing robots: Billy Sands, Aimie from Bozilla, Gregory Beekman, Derek Mitchell.

Kit: Røde NT-1 mic, Focusrite Voicemaster, Lexicon MPX-100 reverb, Technics P30 piano, Roland JP8000 synth, Billy's electric guitar, Boss DR-660 drum machine, Akai DPS12 hard disk recorder, Soundforge Acid Pro.

Dance! Disco Robot

Dance disco robot disco robot, DANCE!
Dance disco robot in magnetic pants

Ch.
    So dance! disco robot
    Dance! disco robot
    Dance! disco robot
    Dance.... disco gobot


Dance disco robot to the disco beat
Dance disco robot with Travolta feet

Ch.

Dance disco robot to the disco blitz
Dance disco robot making direct hits

Ch.

Dance disco robot your disco skills
Disco robot gimme disco thrills

Ch.

Getting Off With Shereen

Getting off with Shereen, he was still in his teens, when he kissed Shereen Nanjiani; in Stephan Mahe's club, where celebs like to rub, shoulders with the slightly posher fanny. He told us the next day, and we thought it OK, that he'd kissed Shereen Nanjiani; and then he moved to Bexhill, and came out homosexual, but hey, he'd kissed Shereen Nanjiani.

Heart So True

Ch.
    There once was a man
    With a heart so true
    He came to save me and you
    He took those votes
    Those dimpled votes
    discounted them
    George W


If you are a Muslim
Or if you are a Jew
You know you have got a friend
In George W

And when things get on top of you
You're needing democracy
It only takes a little oil
To set yourself free

Ch.

These are my words for you
And this is your song
Take your Lyndie England
Back where she belongs

Ch.
Ch.
    There once was a man
    With a heart so true
    He came to save me and you
    Lord save us all
    From George W
    Before he kills us too
    George W
    George W

Lotto Potto

Lotto potto
instant loose
there's nothing like a tax on fools.
Or did you really think you'd win?
Disgusted, ticket thrown in bin.
And while you're there, those magazines
whose glossy pictures fuelled your dreams
and curse those cheery TV balls
who choose another lucky winner
of cash that's not your yacht, but dinner.

You fail in another try for cash.
The government play it for a laugh.
Lotto potto, you wouldn't loose
if you too got to make the rules.

My Fiat Uno

My Fiat Uno with the single wiper
Sits in the street like a coiled viper
Ready for adventure that never ends
Going out shopping, or visiting friends

Ch.
    The tank is full, and the windows are clean
    It really is a mean machine


Let's go to the UCI in Clydebank
In my Fiat Uno with the rusty tank
And after a film, go up the Kilpatricks
Poach some trout and other theatrics

Ch.

My little red Fiat with a dent in the door
Clocked 100,000 miles, good for 10 more
I'm going to drive it to Torino
Take you home, Fiat Unooooh!

My Stereo Is A Cunt

Round at Justin's gaff, we were having a laugh, Justin says "Listen to my Robert Johnson CD:" but it wouldn't play on the stereo, it wouldn't play on the stereo, and when we asked why, why won't the Robert Johnson CD work? He said, it's because "my stereo is a cunt." Yeah, damn you Justin's stereo, man.

Ozzy Osbourne International

I'm not paranoid
But there's an image void
At the heart of Engle-land
Round about spaghetti junction
Where ascetics cease to function
And some would wish, the accent banned.

But a quick rename
Will put an end to the shame
Come to Ozzy Osbourne International!
And in will flow the capital.
It's a scheme without a flaw
Can you not just feel the draw
To Ozzy Osbourne International?

New York's got JFK,
you can fly there today,
and Liverpool's got Lennon;
Saudi's got King Fahd,
so I think it's pretty sad,
That Birmingham isn't called Ozzy.

Ozzy Osbourne International
Is fit for a capital
The tourists will flock
And the city will rawk
That calls its airport Ozzy Osbourne International.

So let's start a campaign
To force airport rename
You can keep your Kilroy Silk
And others of that ilk
And say boo to your Matthew Boultons:
(Though a great industrialist
he was never observed pissed)
We want Ozzy Osbourne International!

Baghdad had Saddam Hussein
So am I going insane?
Birmingham *must* rename!
TO OZZY.

Tokyo Sexwale

There is a man called Tokyo
Tokyo Sexwhale
High heid yin in the ANC
with the greatest name in history

Tokyo Sexwhale
Tokyo Sexwhale
Can I have your autograph
it makes me laugh
that you have such a name

But then I met a South African
his name's pronounced 'Seh-kwa-lee'
That is not quite so much fun
Guess I'll cut and run
again

Tokyo Sehkwalee
Tokyo Sehkwalee
You'll always be Sexwhale to me




la2

Littlest Album 2, 2004. Stereo Solution Recordings.

Acknowledgements: Written and recorded by Craig Weldon. Peformed by Paul McGazz, Craig Weldon, Gregory Beekman, Martin Baxter.

Further thanks: Tam Killean, Alex Botten, Craig Berry, Matt Moodie.

Kit: Røde NT-1, Focusrite Voicemaster, Lexicon MPX-100, Roland JP8000, Boss DR-660, Akai DPS12.

Just Another Pop Song

This is just another pop song
This is another shot at fame
We hope this tune gets right on your brain

This is just another pop band
This is another orange tan
We hope that you can be our fan

    We sing
    of love
    you hear us everywhere.
    Especially in the
    bedrooms of
    Mary, Kate, and Claire


This is just another pop song
This is another shot at fame
We hope this tune gets right on your brain

This is just another pop band
This is another grain of sand
And now our minute's up, we're going to disband
Oh baby baby, I'm doing my sincere thing!




mlgrmx

MLG: GDP: RMX, 2003. Press Hat & Cigar Records.

Acknowledgements: Performed and recorded by Craig Weldon, based on MLG's Double Drop.

Further thanks: Paul McGazz.

Kit: Røde NT-1, Focusrite Voicemaster, Lexicon MPX-100, Roland JP8000, Boss Dr-660, Akai DPS12.

Style Bar

Feeling rich
silky bitch
in denim kitch

Compact cars
to trendy bars
try so hard

Horny babes
on parade
come to get laid

The unsaid fear
of lonely years
it brings you here

    The only place to be is the style bar
    So why look so lonely in the style bar?


Prowling through
Electric blue
Looking for you

One mean dude
talking rude
is in the mood

Leave the pack
risk a smack
but don't look back

Cos in this school
being cool's
the only rule

    You're always on your own in the style bar
    As long as you get home from the style bar


    The style bar (x4)




smoke

Smoke, 2001. Press Hat & Cigar Records.

Acknowledgements: Written and recorded by Craig Weldon. Performed by Rob Harland.

Further thanks: Paul McGazz.

Kit: Røde NT-1, Lexicon MPX-100, Technics P30, Roland JP8000, Boss Dr-660, Akai DPS12, and various Behringer outboard gubbins.

Want You to Know

Got up, with a smile on my face
One that was drawn there by you
It's strange to think of all those days
I must have been so bored before I met you
Well it hit me way on down the road
There's a reason I've got somewhere to go
Don't think, I've said this before
But there something that you outta know...

Ch.
    I want you to know
    I love you so
    Got you on my mind
    And I never want to let you go!
    I want you to know
    I need you so
    I got you on my mind
    Never want to let you go


I know you like me
Better know I'm in love with you
But things have got serious
That's why I'm saying this straight to you.
Well there's things I've been meaning to say
And it looks like today is the day
From my heart to yours
I wouldn't have it any other way...

Ch.
Ch.




mothballs

Mothballs Volume 3, 2000. Mouthmoth Records.

Acknowledgements: Written, performed and recorded by Craig Weldon.

Further thanks: Dan Wake, John Charles Wilson, Mike fae Ayrshire.

Kit: Røde NT-1, borrowed bass guitar, Roland JP8000, Boss Heavy Metal HM2 pedal, Aphex Aural Exciter, Zoom Rythmntrak drum machine, Akai DPS12, and various Behringer outboard gubbins.

The People With Computers in Their Head

The people with computers in their head have an advantage.
They can access every database
They instantly know the news
They have barcodes on their arms, and chips on their retinas.

The people with computers in their head don't talk anymore
They communicate by a form of electronic telepathy
They are tired of being hungry, sleep is a nuisance
And oh yes - the government can read their minds.

They were criminals; but they put computers in their head
They were scientists; but they put computers in their head
They were politicians; but they put computers in their head
- the people with computers in their head are ascendant.

They were criminals; but they put computers in their head
They were scientists; but they put computers in their head
They were politicians; but they put computers in their head
They were children; but they put computers in their head.

They were alone; but they put computers in their head
They felt fear; but they put computers in their head
They had no leader; but they put computers in their head
The people with computers in their head want you to join them.




splendid

Splendid!, 1999. Boss Records.

Acknowledgements: All songs written, performed and recorded by Craig Weldon except: Craigieburn Wood lyrics by Robert Burns; Jenny is a Full Time Flirt guitar by Robert Jones, extra vocals by Dan Wake; Ten to 2 extra vocals by Charlotte Blackledge.

Further thanks: My family, you - for listening, Ian Logan, Dan Wake, Billy Sands, Danny McDougall, Charlotte Blackledge, Craig Jackson, Robert Jones, Jono Watson, Terry-Thomas, Digital Village, Wendy King & of course my cat.

Kit: Røde NT-1, Fender Stratocaster, Roland JP8000, Technics P30, Zoom Rythmntrak, Akai DPS12, and various Behringer outboard gubbins.

My Eyes

My eyes for beauty pine
My soul for your love's grace
No other care nor hope is mine
To you I turn my face.

One splendour then is shed
From all the stars above
It's naméd when your name is said
'Tis love, 'tis heavenly love

And in my gentle heart
That burns with true desire
Is lit from your eyes a mirrored part
Of love's blood branching fire.

Jenny is a Full Time Flirt

I met this girl through a mutual mate
She wanted sex on our first date
I couldn't believe how horny she looked
I was hooked.

She gave her number whispered 'Jenny's my name'
I phoned so I could hear her again
She talked dirty drove me insane
I couldn't believe it!

When she agreed to be mine I was glad
But that woman is driving me mad
Can't keep her roving eyes off other men
She's a pain

Ch.
    Jenny is a full time flirt
    Ooh she's a full time flirt
    My woman is a full time flirt
    And it hurts


She likes a tight top or miniskirt
With her legs crossed she is a flirt
When she bends over smiling it just hurts
I need to release it

But all other guys feel the same
I tell them t'fuck off hame
But she just laughs and says it's a game
Well I don't want to play it!

Ch.

Yes it's hard being Jenny's man
Mmm ? I try the best that I can
But she's so hard to please
She's a tease.

She always getting me into fights
I'm run down with all these sleepless nights
She's hot, but too hot for me
Set me free!

Ch.
Ch.

Where Did She Come From?

Ch.
    Where did she come from, where did she go
    Please, please tell me cos oh I want to know
    I want to know!
(1st time only)

I was walking down the street, when who'd I chance to meet
Other side the road, she made my heart explode
How could I explain it, love at first sight
I couldn't control it, try as I might

Ch. x 2

She had long blonde hair, I just had to stare
Oh the way she moved, it made me want to groove
Her eyes were more than pretty, her looks were more than fine
And if I could find her, I had to make her mine

Ch. x 2

I didn't know her from school, I wasn't that cool
I tried at the disco, but there noone knows
I tried at the youth club, she wasn't there
I hung around street corners, couldn't find her anywhere

Ch. x 2

The fair came to town, but she wasn't around
Even tried the library, noone has read as much as me!
Down by the poolside there was no sign of her
I was giving up hope, I'll never find her

Ch. x 2

One day I walked that same street, never guessed who I'd meet!
Said hi, you'all right, like to go out tonight
Well she said no, what could I expect
She had to say no, wrapped round her boyfriend's neck.

Ch.
    Where did she come from, where did she go
    Doesn't bother me now, cos now I know

Perfect Song

Perfect song,
I wrote this song for you.
Won't be long
Till you know the things I do.
And then I'll see
You won't want me
And I'll be all alone.
Reject again
While other men
Play round with my heart's home.

Perfect song
I wrote this song for you
Might be wrong
And you'll love me like I do

Perfect song
Won't be long.

When I Fall in Love

When I fall in love
I know there is someone watching from above
To put me right where I go wrong
When I fall in love

Ch.
    We see, there is no need to be,
     Afraid for the world, if we can love


When you fell for me too
& we make love the way lovers do
It feels so right it can't be wrong
When you love me too

When a child is born
With sleepless nights, & sickly morns
We find our love will grow deeper yet
When a child is born

Ch.

& other hearts where hurt abounds
Caused by where a lack of love is found
I pray that we can share our love
When I look around

Perhaps then the world
Which takes and grasps more for itself
Will learn to build to other ways
When I fall in love

Craigieburn Wood

Sweet closes the evening on Craigieburn Wood
And fine awakens the morrow:
But pride of the spring in the Craigiebun Wood
Can yield me naught but sorrow.

I see the broad trees spreading high
I hear the wild birds singing
But they have no kind of joy for me
While care my heart (x3) is wringing.

Oh dearly I would my cares impart
Yet dare not for her anger
But secret love will break my heart
If I conceal it longer

If you could never care for me
If you would love another
When these green leaves fall from the trees
Around my grave (x2) they'll wither.

The Things We Do

Awake still, and it's nearly six a.m.
I lie here with some girl I met
The things we do for love

Amazing - the things we do for love
Love inspires everything
The things we do for love

But sometimes - the things we do for love
They can seem the strangest things
The things we do for love

Sleekit - the things we do for love
Con your way into her bed
The things we do for love

Twisted - the things we do for love
Staying late at work again
The things we do for love

Slushy, modern day romance
Hiding dark & devious lies
The things we do for love

Splendid

Hard cheese to you
Full cream for me
I'm the cat that got the creamery

Play golf in the sun
Shake hands when I've won
Then take my girlfriend out to tea

I heard you liked her too
Well don't feel blue
Plenty more fish in the sea
        dear boy

How splendid to see
You wish you were me
Come and see my nice new car

Sure you want to become
The envy of everyone?
Jealousy - is not a pretty thing, dear boy

'Times I wish I could be
A little less dastardly
But that's the cross I have to bear.

Ten to 2

It's ten to 2
The last song's being played
Everybody's got the ten to 2's
Trying to get laid (x3)

Drinking all night
Dancing on the floor
And now it's ten to 2
That's what we came here for

It's ten to 2
The last song's being played
You know what to do
If you want to get laid